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Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Manscaping 201: Male Pattern Boldness In Your Pubic Hair

Mister Manfred Mann is unsure why he is bothering to present this particular blog.

Male pubic hair designs? Did you not read the informative Manscaping 101 blog? Shave it bald!

Ah me, To each his own, we suppose. As a pubic service announcement, How To Survive Women shall present a few pubic hair designs you can shave your man bush to for style or amusement. 

Welcome to Manscaping 201, a slightly more advanced course that looks at shaving your pubic hair... down there.

Now still... you partial shavers disgust Mister Manfred Mann, but he likes that you still desire his advice. He is a writer, after all, and thus desperately needing constant affirmation of his talents.

So, let's get right to the lesson so you can ignore all that Mister Manfred Mann advised you upon in the first lesson.

Firstly, these are patterns in which you shave the hair off all around your groin, leaving a patch of hair in a shape or pattern.

You do NOT leave all of your groin hair and shave the hair to reveal a pattern... this is a negative aspect to shaving your meat and two veg and defeats the purpose of looking sleek (see Manscaping 101 for a full explanation).

Patterns You Can Shave

1) The Landing Strip:

The Landing Strip was drawn without a penis.
This pattern is the rectangle placed horizontally - that's up and down - that should be shaved just above your cock and should end no higher than your belt line. In fact, depending on taste, that can be too high. Mister Manfred Mann recommends, if you choose to utilize this pattern that it not be more than two inches in height and no more than one inch in width. The Landing Strip... you do realize that when your cock gets hard, it should obscure your work? But, since you already have a hard-on, who the fuck cares? 

2) The Hitler:

This pattern reveals a square shape of hair left. It should look like a square, and the base (bottom) of the square should be situated about 1-inch above the top of your dick. That means there is a smooth surface of no-hair just above your cock before The Hitler mustache is revealed. How big should The Hitler be? Mister Manfred Mann recommends it be a 1 x 1-inch square. As well... the height of the hair left should not be more than a half-inch in height. It should not be stubble! There is nothing worse than having your significant other getting razor burn from your shaving technique. And, for god's sake... neither should it appear high enough where it looks like a field of wheat blowing in the wind.

3) The Groucho Marx:

Even looking like this, he got laid. Of course, he was rich, too.
You know Marxism is the woist thing I've ever heard off. If you have no idea what I am talking about, you don't know the Marx Brothers and their classic comedy from the 1930s and 40s, and you certainly don't know Groucho Marx, the brilliant leader of the five-man troupe, that included himself, Harp, Chico, Zeppo and Gummo.
Take a look at that photo. Would you want that plastered just above your penis? Is so, welcome to The Groucho Marx.

The first thing to admit, is that Groucho's famous mustache was painted on top of his regular mustache to give it an over-sized square look.Sometimes it was just painted on over his bare lip, like in the photo here.

This rectangular look for you, the pubic hair shaver, looks like a much wider version of The Hitler, or a sideways version of the Landing Strip... but, in reality, it's mostly drawn on by a Sharpie. Perhaps you should not drink so much when you go camping with your quasi-homosexual mates. Who would do something like this?

That's sort of a joke, but the pattern remains the same. As far as having The Goucho Marx around your privates, recall what Groucho had to say: "I would never join any club that would have me as a member."

4) The Arrow:

Okay... as far as a having a pattern of pubes placed above your penis, The Arrow is a nice design, though Mister Manfred Mann is certain the upkeep on this design could be time-consuming. Once it's been shaved in, trying to  keep it looking like an arrow - all nice and even on both sides of the point is difficult. Once you mess up, the constant shaving manipulation of it to even up will cause one to shave it all off in disgust. But, why an arrow? Does a woman really need directions to your penis? If a woman is peering at your naked body and requiring directions to your wang, you better already have a hard-on, and thus she should already be able to see it. (And if you do not, ask your doctor about Viagra or Cialis). Of course, once you you are hard and erect, Mister Manfred Mann notes that like The Landing Strip pattern, your dick will hopefully obscure The Arrow. Hopefully you get the point.

5) The Triangle:

The Triangle is also a nice pattern to shave around the upper area of pubes, especially if you are the purple Telletubbie. That was Mister Manfred Mann being sarcastic.
Question: are we not men? If you must shave The Triangle patch around your pubic hair - for god sake's, man - the point of the triangle should point downward!! It should point toward your dick in case someone you want to fuck is too dumb to know where your cock is. And really, if they are too dense to know where your cock is, they are too dense to know what a triangle is. Sorry... Mister Manfred Man hates this one, but we suppose it's like masturbation or going to a massage parlor - different strokes for different folks. Mister Manfred Mann likes the look of The Triangle pubes on women (though he does prefer it shorn clean), because we are men and can always use a little direction. Note for women: The Triangle should point to your clitoris. You want us to find it, right? Well, stop complaining that men (some men) have no clue. Give them one. Mister Manfred Mann has never had any problem finding the clitoris. He only knows that some men are unable to from his various girlfriends complaining about their past boyfriends, and from reading Penthouse magazine's Xaviera Hollander column back in the 1970s as a pre-teen. Yes... I read it for the articles. Also.

Patterns Not To Shave Into Your Pubic Hair:


1) A Dirty Word: 

Don't be a cracker.
What are you 12? No. No woman worth having sex with will find the shaving of A Dirty Word or phrase into a man's pubic area funny or sexy. Any woman who does find it funny or sexy is called a hooker, and she thinks you are the smartest, warmest, funniest, most well-endowed gentleman she has ever had the pleasure of meating this past hour.
What type of words does Mister Manfred Mann mean? Things like: Suck it, bitch!; Cock; Kathy Griffin; Choke on it.
As for why there is no photographic evidence? Well, let's just say that Mister Manfred Mann is proud of you folks who have shaved a dirty word into their pubes - while it's still pretty stupid, at least you didn't post pics of it onto the Internet.     

2) Circular images: 

Circles are impossible to draw freehand.
Despite the upkeep... a Circular pattern of pubic hair left makes one look he has a very hairy, possibly cancerous mole - whoops, there goes the mood! Or, it looks like an eye and it could freak out a woman who may or may not ever scream that she swears it feels like it is constantly watching her. Look... the only round thing a woman needs to look at down there is your cockhead. Oh... and your balls. Perhaps your asshole if you are lucky. Why confuse her with more roundness?
Also, if you check out the image to the right - no matter how perfect your circular shaving looks right now, in two days it will look like this.
Why waste your time?  

3) Comic Book Images:  

Look what the cat dragged in...
You can't do this yourself.
Holy copyright infringement, Batman! Take a look at the two Comic Book Images here: The Batman symbol and the Superman symbol. While Mister Manfred Mann will admit that there is a certain amount of skill in the proffering of these pictures into their chest area... image the same thing (but smaller) down just above your cock. No... do not imagine it. Mister Manfred Mann has done that for you and can assure you that the mental image he had was both frightening and stupid.And look at what Superman got... Lois Lane needs a shave! They both could use a heavy dosing of Nair and Kryptonite.
Power Girl hates Men
And Batman - the best non-powered super-hero on the planet, you only put that symbol above your wank if you have a girlfried... and Mister Manfred Mann wants to remind you, ComicBook Guy... even if you somehow manage to stop whacking off to drawings of Powergirl, WonderWoman, Marvel Girl and the Invisible Woman when she looked like a MILF, and manage to put your comic book back into it's acid-free backing and Mylar plastic bag, you will never keep a girlfriend when she sees that shaved into your pubes. By the way. While Mister Manfred Mann loves a comic book every once in a while, he has not ever made love to a comic book - for one thing, it lowers its value. We suppose you could buy multiple copies, however. But really, Mister Manfred Mann has just realized... if you are whacking off to a comic book image, you go right ahead and shave whatever superhero logo you want into your pubes.Mister Manfred Mann can only solve one crisis at a time.
  

4) The Heart: 

Take a look at the photo. It just does not look manly - even on a chest. If you and your other are into cute - go ahead, but Mister Manfred Mann says the proof is in the photo. As such, we do not believe there is actually anything cute about shaving a heart pattern into your pubes if you are a man.
Think about it... would you ever post a photo of your pubic hair pattern (less the image of your wiener) on the Internet? Yes? How about the cutie-pie Heart? Maybe? Now... would you identify it with your name? Your real name? We didn't think so.
Mister Manfred does not know why this poor man did what he did and even why he has allowed it onto the Internet, but we hope he either got a lot of money or a lot of pussy (if that is what he is indeed in to). There can be no other acceptable reason to allow this pattern onto a heterosexual man's body. Oh wait. Heterosexual.... It's okay if you are not. But... this blog is entitled How To Survive Women. Although, come to think of it, we suppose many of the tips contained herein could be used to survive men, too. If you were gay, would you find this heart-attack a sexy look?
Gods. Please let that photo have been part of someone's art project.

   
Author's Last Word:
Mister Manfred Mann knows there are far too many other hair styles out there, but the positive ones are the most common, while the negative ones should be common sense... but Mister Manfred Mann has often thought about shaving something naughty into his pubes.

Actually... no, he hasn't! He has not had pubic hair on his groin since the very early 1990s. Stop thinking about a pattern and go bald!  

29 comments:

  1. I'm a smooth dude with just a 1/4 landing strip above my tool. The smoothness is so comfortable. If I would have known it felt this good it never would have allowed my pubes to grow!

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    1. It IS great, isn't it? Welcome to the hair club for real men.

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  2. I personally clean up the tool often and out of freedom and curiosity I have gone with the triangle. I love the way it looks and feels. So do my girls

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    1. Mister Manfred Mann is impressed by your use of the word 'girls' - plural.
      Your feedback is appreciated. Personally, Mister Manfred Mann has enough hair elsewhere so having the bald spot is a nice treat for his women (plural).

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  3. Never in the history of man, have they ever trimmed or shaved in that area until about 10 or 15 years ago.

    Todays "Men" if you wanna call them that, have totally demasculinized themselves by this disturbing trend.

    Men look weak and very feminine, and very unmanly.
    Body , pubes, arm pit, arm Hair indeed a very manly trait.

    Don't "FEMINIZE" yourself just to make your woman happy.
    Be a Man,stand up and don't let them brainwash and control you by saying ; If you don't shave yor bush I won't give you head

    Men ... Your Pubes and balls are "not meant" to be shaved.
    It's all there for a purpose.
    The hair on are balls give off a "MUSK " scent for a reason .
    To help the women ovulate during sex.
    Do your researh people !

    When Pubes grows back, it will itch like hell , you will get rashes and ingrown hairs.
    Guys , if you never did that you would'nt be having all of these issues.

    A Man with shaved balls is the same sensation and feel of skinless raw chicken.
    Try it sometime. Rub a raw skinless Chicken.

    Guy's don't pluck your chicken ,leave your pubes alone and let them grow the way God intended "REAL MEN" to look !!!!

    LC .. Wis.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your well thought out comments! Brilliant stuff and certainly you are correct about the scent. It's NOT what this particular blog entry was about, but we respect your point and applaud you for making it.
      We do disagree about the whole manly thing.
      If pubic hair was all about being manly, then that's all bull shit. Why do women have armpit hair? hair on their legs? These were all part of the way homo sapiens grew... less and less hair is required to keep us warm thanks to clothing... still... why do women shave or exfoliate? Because someone thought they would look even more like a woman if there was no body hair. It's a trend. Just like how a few hundred years ago, the Rubenesque woman was the ideal... and how in the Orient women with small feet were the ideal (foot binding), and how a white face and make-up was the ideal (geisha), and how men wore wigs (US 200 years ago)... but to say a man doesn't look like a man because he shaves his pubes. For shame. A man looks like a man because he is a man who makes himself look the way he wants without fear of being criticized for it.
      Besides... lots of pubic hair... you have heard of crabs right? They breed in the heat of the pubic hair... easily transferable thanks to them having someplace to grab on to. Hey.. keep your pubic hair all nice and thick. Enjoy your sexually transmitted crabs.
      And 10-15 years ago men began trimming? Really? Maybe in your small world... but even Mister Manfred Mann has been doing it longer than that... and he's fucked six figures of women. All of whom enjoyed the fact that when they sucked his cock they didn't choke on a pubic hair.
      Look... there's nothing WRONG with having pubic hair. Bravo if you do... but shaving your pubic hair does NOT make one less of a man. That really is the point Mister Manfred Mann feels you have failed in your attempt to make a real point. Make your point and avoid the insults. Leave that to the professionals.
      Thanks again for writing. I may indeed make a blog based on your musk commentary (in the positive light), as you do make a great point.
      Cheers


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    2. I'm loving this blog. I've gone for the completely smooth look up to now - I like the cleanliness of it all. I've never thought of going for something a little bit different. I'm definitely going to attempt the triangle. I think that looks great; hopefully the girlfriend will think so too.

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    3. Good for you, Brother! Your comment made Mister Manfred Mann's Day! Good luck!

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    4. WRONG! The Romans had slaves to remove all body hair from them when they went to the public baths. Today we have to hire someone to reach areas we can't. Using the braille method to shave or wax under your balls can be very risky. ----Bill (http://www.malegroomingservices.vpweb.com)

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  4. I'm a girl and I'm afraid to say I hate all off, it looks like a little boy grosses me out...however I don't want to dig through the amazon to find it either....just take a.razor to the stray hairs trim back the outer area with clippers and use a little pair or scissors to clip back the stragglers... its not rocket science masculine and neat....

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    Replies
    1. Hello girl. Mister Manfred Mann knows exactly where you are coming from (no pun intended) (Maybe just a little). He, too, thought the idea of bumping uglies between two bald groinal areas was too much like a pair of 12-year-olds, and that it would turn him off.
      But... when push came to shoving it in, he found that the smooth look had a better feel to it and never though of the pre-teen analogy again until answering your comment.
      To each his or her own, love.
      Thank you very much for reading and posting your comment.

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  5. I let it grow out then cut it and sent it in to a cancer wig making foundation and they took it. /WINNING

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  6. ...yeah - not really into the bald male emo looking edward wannabee pre pubescent look - nor the razor-bumped whisker-spiked polka-dotted mons a few days after a shave.

    The girl from 09.26.2012 has it right!

    The best thing about both parties being bald is the HEAT transference between the engorged areas of the reproductive organs.

    It is also fun to play with the area after giving her intense prolonged pleasure - those hairs have nerve endings and gently passing over them afterwards is enough to excite the area...

    Besides - those gals always speak of being able to multitask way better than men do - WHY NOT floss and take your vitamins simultaneously?

    tora

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  7. I go with a 1/4 inch wide V shape that about 1.25 inches long on each side and about that far apart at the tips. I find that it flows off my cock well and goes with the flow of my body well. Then i shave my balls taint and asshole. And then I top it off with a see thru thong and thigh highs and have my girlfriend bend me over and fuck my ass with a very large strap-on which works me up her fisting my ass elbow deep and pushing out on my stomach and running it from side to side. Looks and feels awesome

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    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  8. Hes sound. Susan has fanny in bum. Packi accent. California fuck she toad balls. Pubic hair on my toenail. Fuck boss. Hugo boss after that. Lgbt cock.

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  9. I use the arrow

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  10. Ive done a chuncky land strip but i think i might change it into an arrow as it looks cool, ans so smooth

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  11. Conor shanley shaves his pubes!

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  12. You see, im an artist igot this whole heaven and hell theme my pubes are similar to flames all the way up to my happy trail then on my chest ihave clouds and doves... upkeeps easy just shave the exess hairs every day and once aweek take a size 5 clipper to the whole thing

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  13. Going for the landing strip myself

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    1. During this heat wave, even MMM has not kept up with his shaving... it's getting bushy and he doesn't like it! The Landing Strip - nice choice... always good to provide a different look.

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  14. Haa, the heart guy looks so seductive... ;) I have to admit I've always wanted go hairless but shaving is such a pain! I began using a hair removal product that can be applied at home, has no pain and even kills the roots. No more razor yess.

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  15. Personally I'd rather just wax the whole area off and be done with it. Has anyone had any experience with that? I'd assume it can't be that bad of an option, especially if you're only doing it once a month or so.

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    1. Hey. MMM had his back waxed on two different occasions... and he can say it hurt like a motherfucker. And that was just his back! Deep roots growing in different directions... and the hair began growing back in three effing days. Both times.
      MMM has no idea how women can wax down there. He is impressed by how strong they are. I think we men would cry like babies.
      Before you attempt to wax your crotch... try a different area and see if you can handle the pain. If you can... maybe you are the man! When it comes to waxing, MMM is NOT the man.
      Once a month? Oh.... brrrr-rother! For you, MMM hopes that is true. Women are stronger than men when it comes to pain. Just think childbirth... a baby squeezing out of that place where you stick your cock... and many women do it w/o drugs or painkillers.
      Wax on, brother... and let MMM know how you feel and how long it takes before it starts to grow back... and of any side effects like pimples from the skin agitation. You may be one of the lucky ones for whom it is all smooth sailing. Let us know!

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    ReplyDelete